i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Randomize
