The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
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