Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
