Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
I'm just crazy horny about you
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Dicks are not precious.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize