I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
