His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
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