please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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