I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
