K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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