well I can't set my house on fire every night
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Randomize