Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Acid is not a monday night drug
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
You are a genius and a whore.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
