Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Randomize
