I wanna bring you to show and tell
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
