In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
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