I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize
