god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
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