turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize