the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
zippers are such a cool invention
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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