my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
where does the pee come out of this thing
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
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