There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
