Small penises have feelings too.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Randomize