Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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