He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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