I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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