You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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