And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
