seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
