Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
