My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
