I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Randomize
