We're like a lot better than the average bears
Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
Randomize
