I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
