I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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