theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Buhtt sex?
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
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