____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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