Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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