first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
how drunk are you?
Several
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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