between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
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