Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
