I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
