if you're gona send my txt to that site at least change my area code plz
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
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