I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
I think I just shit out all my problems.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
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