you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize
