I think I won the penis lottery.
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
porn star boner night. come get it.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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