I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
