Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
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