I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
