I wish my penis had an off switch
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Randomize
