It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
