Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
