Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
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