there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I wish there were birth control emojis
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
