the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize