Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
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