If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
Randomize
