so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
