I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I have fence marks all over my body
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
