As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
I just found puke in my bra..
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
