bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
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