Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
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