he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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