sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Randomize
