after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Randomize
