Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
