JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
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