I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
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