awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
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