How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
