I just saw a hot homeless man
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
